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    Tuesday, November 13, 2007     12:44 AM

i transcribe.

that is to say for the last several years, that is the majority of what i do to make a living. sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it. always it takes up most of my time. for three years, i worked a regular office job where transcription was just part of my job function. now, working from home for various reasons, mostly not my choice, all i do is transcribe. sometimes it's very lucrative, sometimes not so much. i take what i can get, i overextend myself, and i just do until i can't do any more. then i do some more.

so that's a good summation of why i haven't been writing, or really doing much of anything besides working. sure, there are places i hang out, go to unwind, but they aren't the places i used to go for respite. that's okay, though. i've changed, which is of course a given.

even though i haven't been practicing the physical act of writing, i've done a lot of mental writing these past few years. figured out quite a bit about myself, my choices. given myself a dose of reality that was sorely needed in years past.

here's the thing, i used to be very insecure. i'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that. this insecurity manifested itself in a desire to be liked (or loved, depending on the situation) because feeling that everyone that i gave damn about actually liked me, i got a huge sense of fulfillment that i wasn't getting from within. classic, i realize. and see my various jobs, and all the titles i claim for myself on my business card, that's where i get that fulfillment from now. it's not so much that i've replaced one with the other, but that i finally got that i'm good at quite a number of things and that i can be successful. i don't need other people to feel successful, i can just be that way, do that for myself. it's a very duh kind of statement, but i had to figure it out.

and with that, i figured out what i'd been doing wrong in a lot of past relationships, which i'm sure is at least partially responsible for the demise of some of them. i had a very convoluted notion of the emotional vs. mental vs. physical aspects to a relationship. i confused them all the time. if i had a great physical chemistry with someone, and mentally/intellectually we were on the same page, then of course there had to be some great emotional connection. no, not so much. and that's fine. once i figured that out, it was very liberating. sure, all three would be great, but that's not always what you get. as long as i realize what's there and what's not, as long as i can level with myself, it puts me in the best position to know what i want, as opposed to believing certain protocols should be followed because that's the way it's supposed to go.

and so this leads me to what occurred to me today, that i am alone (please don't mistake this for lonely, for which i am not at all), and i'm happy. generally, i am happy. sure, i need to lose weight, and i'd like to see more movies, read more books, work less. but emotionally, i'm not in some dark place i was in for years. i don't hate myself. i don't think badly of myself. i don't have a reason to, and not that i necessarily did before, but i'm done making excuses for why life sucks. i'm just going to continue to be and see where that leads.


Tori Amos, Piece by Piece
The Golden Girls
In the Waiting Line - Zero Seven
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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman