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    Thursday, January 13, 2005     9:23 AM

i had a nightmare two nights ago that i wrote about, and really wasn't thinking it was for public consumption, though now i've changed my mind.

it was one of those gut-wrenching, wake up shaking with a knot in your stomach affairs. the kind where you try so hard to wake up and stop it in its tracks, only to fall uneasily back to sleep and have it pick right up. the worst part - it wasn't a visceral fright - there were no monsters, no falling off buildings, no mysterious person chasing me. no, the knife was already set deep beneath the ribs and the dream was the hand twisting and twisting as over a period of hours, it seemed, i lost the person i loved the most because i wasn't the one who was picked - i wasn't loved quite enough. it would have been easier if i'd just had my drowning dream again - at least that i can wake up from, even if it is gasping for breath.

all this and someone else's words that always effect me (even though i don't want them to anymore) has me thinking way too much - my internal monologue won't quiet itself. i haven't reached any conclusions, but i am starting to think i'm sometimes too honest and too forthright. there are very few people that know me well, really i can count them on one hand, and that's fine, but knowing that someone won't even take the time to get to know me at all and then passes judgment on me - that gets under my skin. sure, people do it all the time but it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it fair, and quite frankly it makes me sick.

also been thinking about sex and the people involved. i try not to regret much because every experience teaches something valuable, but i do have regrets there (like a lot of other people, i'm sure). i was going to say that you can't remember something that didn't happen, but that's not really accurate. i will say that vivid memories are much harder when that's all you have.
"On reflection, while I cannot give you the thing itself, I could give you a dream of my love.
I already have that, my lord."
Dream and Nuala


Tori Amos, Piece by Piece
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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman