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    Thursday, April 22, 2004     1:00 PM

we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke

                   - buildings and bridges, ani difranco


i hate it when i forget the name of a song i really want to get and can't even remember a lyric because i'm so tired. these are the things that keep me up at night when i should be happily catching up on the countless hours of sleep that i've been missing since starting this job. and then of course, right at the moment when i'm about to shut all brain function off and sleep, lightning strikes. damn you david bowie, and your golden years.

regarding the job - on a sad note, sarah, my co-worker and co-conspirator, will be leaving at the end of the month. i hope we can keep in touch and i'm getting her an ani difranco ticket as a going away present. she's the coolest person i've ever had the pleasure of working with, and she's going to be missed. with that they've asked me to step into the role of project assistant, which i have said okay too as it fits more of what i want to do than the tedious administrative work. it will also mean a pay raise soon, which is great.

it will also make it easier to facilitate the vacation i am planning for myself, a week in scotland at the beginning of september. haven't had a vacation in years and i think getting away will do me worlds of good. it'll be fun to do the goth club thing there as well. for some reason all of this, the job stuff as well as personal stuff is an interesting wake up call to me. i'm not a kid with crappy self esteem and a chosen lack of independence anymore. i actually have goals and plans and dreams that i'm on my way towards achieving. it's a bit scary, but as long as i can find a good balance between taking myself and life seriously, and having fun, all should be well. (all that i control that is - the rest, health and such, that's not something to dwell on for here or anywhere at the moment as it's not productive)

so, a braindead moment from last night:

it's around 9pm and i've felt okay all day, if not a little tired. randomly as i'm walking down my steps, i realize the muscles in my legs ache a lot. i wonder why. i ponder this for a good half an hour before it actually occurs to me why they feel this way. it's sad when you can't remember something 24 hours prior because your brain is so low on the functioning meter. that's sleep deprivation at it's worst, let me tell you. but at least it's the good kind of muscle ache that you feel after having worked out, not the, oh my god i pulled 100 muscles at one time and am going to pass out from the pain kind.

it's a wonder that with all this not sleeping i'm writing more, and finding more to write about this week. not going to question that though.

____

reading...
Tori Amos, Piece by Piece
listening/watching...
The Golden Girls
playing..
KOTOR II
randomness...
In the Waiting Line - Zero Seven
linkage...
My Twitter
quote...
"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman