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    Wednesday, December 10, 2003     5:27 PM

sitting here looking at the blank screen, knowing all i want to say cannot be said here for fear of recrimination.

busy with phone calls most of the day. my shy side still hates calling people, being so friendly and making small talk just to get from point a to point b in the conversation. i do it begrudgingly because it's a means to an end but given a choice i'd happily use email and/or letters for all non-essential/non friend contact. hell, even for some friend contact i'd rather use email. i will always be better at writing than speaking because it allows me to weigh my words, contemplate the best to convey meaning and intent. even in pre-written speeches where this part is possible, i simply don't have the confidence that i exhibit in written form.

that's why no matter how much i try, i will always be the shy and quiet one in social situations. of course i'm much better than years ago, mostly from being in an environment with people who actually seem to care about what i have to say. having that makes such a difference and i'm grateful. i think i'll always have a bit of hesitation though, i'll always worry a bit that what i have to say doesn't and won't ever interest anyone.

wow, that was cheery.


Tori Amos, Piece by Piece
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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman