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    Wednesday, April 16, 2003     1:38 AM

had a pretty good day today. got coffee with catherine and we had lots of good conversation. hung out with brian later which was mostly fun as well. there were some things that came up in conversation, things which i don't feel like i can discuss here but there are two aspects of myself i know i need to work on. i need to work on my self esteem and my assertiveness.

i've never had great self esteem but in the past couple years, ever since my illness, it's gotten worse. and it's very specific too. i know i'm intelligent, i know that i can be funny, witty, all of that, i'm never worried about my personality. i've never been really confident in my appearance, but for awhile it was pretty good and then i got sick. it's been really downhill since then, and there has been a lot of other factors contributing to it becoming worse. it sucks, because i don't want to feel this way and logically i know "looks" aren't everything. still though, it is really hard.

and the assertiveness i've always had a problem with when it comes to certain people. i need to just stop worrying about what they'll think and say what i mean and what i feel because otherwise i'll continue to not get what i want. and even if i still don't get what i want, i'll know i did all i could to make it happen.


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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman