Wednesday, November 20, 2002
apparently in a writing mood today, might not be a good thing, haven't decided yet.
sometimes the phrase skeletons in the closet is not so cliche. as much as i, as people in general, want to grow and put certain experiences behind them, it's not so easy. easy to say, not easy to do. when i was younger people perceived that i was this perpetually depressed, melancholy girl that couldn't be happy for any reason. i wasn't like that but i was depressed a lot, for many reasons, some good, some ridiculous. point is i moved past that stage, mostly because gained confidence in myself, gained a sense of self that i didn't have before.
problem with this is i can't seem to get past the worry that people will think i'm this sad, depressed person. it doesn't help that lately i'm dealing with enough shite to put mr. rogers in a bad mood. really. and i think i'm doing quite well despite all of that. sometimes though i'll go out somewhere and people will ask me what's wrong, why i look sad. oftentimes when they ask i'm not sad, i'm happy and it's upsetting to think my expression, my manuerisms, tell a different story. is it possible that they haven't caught up? are they haunted by those past experiences? who knows, but it's distressing. and of course sometimes i do go out in a bad mood and i'm honest about it even though i wonder if, again, it will make people think i'm always like that.
i don't know where i'm going with all this, really. maybe nowhere. i do know that despite what my current friends think about my mood they stick by me. they're respectful, they're caring and they want me to do the best for me, not anyone else. i couldn't ask for a better bunch of people to call friends. that makes certain decisions easier to decide.