Friday, October 04, 2002
writing this not from my computer but from an at best unpredictable laptop, so i hope it gets through.
i neglected to write about last weekend because after reading other accounts of it i felt i had nothing to add. i went to nevermore friday, i hung out with rosa saturday, went to the book festival and then the baseball game and then to see tim kaye. sunday i went to the ren faire and met up with fun people and saw the mediaeval baebes then had yummy thai food and went to the depot. that was my weekend in a nutshell.
had a really intensive and long interview today for a job i really hope i get. i have no idea how much it pays but really i don't care, it's guaranteed to pay better than what i make now and the people all seem really great. i'm supposed to know by monday so keep your fingers crossed. and if i used you as a reference and they call you i hope it's not too terrible because they're all nice people.
tonight was ascension and it was fun, i suppose but honestly my situation with brian brought me down somewhat. this is the place to be honest so i will be, and i really don't understand how he can say some of the things he says. (and yes i know he'll read this but he know i'm all about being honest) i don't feel i've ever been too loving or too caring or too physically affectionate and i don't think there are anything wrong with any of those things. i don't care about very many people deeply and i don't care about anyone so deeply as i care about brian and i don't think it's wrong to express that. no we aren't together in that couple sort of way but our bond, at least i think, is much different than the average friendship. i think he feels the same and i hope i'm not mistaken. if i find out that i am it will be hard to deal with but i will. he means the world to me but he is not my world, no one is and no matter how much caring and loving i express (in whatever form: affection, advice, etc) i am not naive about how people feel towards me. i learned a long time ago not to expect too much and no matter how much you want and do give that does not mean you should expect the same in return.
all that said i love brian very much. he will always be more than just a "friend," he will always be my anam cara and i hope he knows how much i care without mistaking it for other strange things.
wish me luck tomorrow or monday, i hope i get this job.