Friday, June 07, 2002
i hesistate to post anything about this here because it is such a public forum, but i need to say something. at least when my friends read this maybe it will better articulate how i'm feeling.
i am sick, very sick, the kind of sick that doesn't just go away, the kind that kicks you around and conspires to end your days. i am scared, i am angry, i am sad, but i am resigned to not let this get me down. everyone's always telling me how strong a person i am and i intend to live up to that. the worst part, really, is feeling unsupported this, by the people who should support me. and i have enough insecurity left within me that i worry the ones who do support me will end up going away.
and what i don't, don't want is to be a burden on anyone, especially the person who now is being unconditionally wonderful about all this.
so because of this not wanting to be a burden i don't say everything, i hold things back because i don't want my telling him to put what i'm going through on his shoulders too. i don't want what's going on in my life to in any way come before or be in the way of the importance of what's going on in his.
it makes me wants to pull away, to tell him i shouldn't be around to bother him, but i know that's not a good course of action. i'm just going to be honest, be open and know he'll do the same. that's really all we can do. i hope that's enough.
did i mention i'm really scared?