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    Sunday, May 19, 2002     2:43 AM

it's just one of those days. woke up this morning feeling really crappy and i know i'm getting sick again with the same thing i thought i'd gotten rid of a couple weeks ago. it's so frustrating, not being in control of my health, not that anyone is - it just seems so much worse when you get sick too much.

and today i'm not very good at putting on my brave face and being fine with all of this, and then i feel terrible for making anyone listen to me be upset about it. that's not fair to them and i don't want to push anyone away by being too upset or too unhappy. that's a bit of baggage from my past i guess, that i've lost people i cared about because i couldn't be happy enough for them.

really though i'm a generally happy person, not dissatisified with life or the type who thinks everything sucks. i just happen to be in a really crappy situation right now and it effects my mood at times but still i worry that i should act happier and braver and not show my pain at all. suppose though if i did that all the time it wouldn't really be honest to myself or others, though.

ah well.

as a random side note, one of the many reasons i love Nocturne is the science. it's real, it has a point and is not merely a plot device. suspension of disbelief only goes so far for me, i'm just too smart to ignore the ridiculousness in some movies.

if i actually made the video cd correctly then the trailer might be shown at The Depot tomorrow, depending on whether the great genius boy graces us all with his presence. cross your fingers for that.

back to fighting with Photoshop and it's quest to eat all the memory in my little computer.


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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman