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    Tuesday, May 28, 2002     11:43 PM

for awhile tonight i was super hyper, though i'm not sure i was ever happy, except possibly when i talked to liz. now that the caffeine's wearing off, the reality of tomorrow is setting in and the unsettled, unresolved feeling is back, i feel only weary and in need of a hug. that and my coffeemaker from the house i will never live in again. i miss my coffeemaker. how sad is that?

settling though for making some kick ass images for the website which i hope will do the mad dog proud. the mad dog is a long story, more my own than anyone else's, but it makes me smile.

the more i see previews for insomnia, the more i want to see it. i will see it soon, oh yes i will. and if i don't fall asleep really soon i might watch From Hell tonight. i really wish they could've found a way to film it in London though, instead of creating soundstages. i tend to like films more when i know where they've filmed is a real place, even if it isn't necessarily the place the film takes place in.

i also have Eyes of Fire to watch which for some reason i've been putting off. i really should watch that tonight, other than being tired i have no excuse.

so i wanted to talk about phobias a bit because that's been on my mind for awhile now, tossing around what really gets to me and what used to but doesn't any longer. i am shy, i always have been, though some people who know me now and didn't years ago don't see it. this shyness translated into a horrible fear of public speaking. literally the thought of it made me nauseous, so i decided, being the kind of person that faces my fears, to just force myself to deal with it. seniors at my high school had to give senior speeches as part of a graduation requirement and i decided to be the first one which i don't think anyone including my friends expected at all.

i also performed one of my poems in the dance concert, because how could i not? sylvie had written part of a spoken word piece for me that she danced to, not to mention all the tori songs involved. it just seemed the right time to do it. it was hard afterwards though because my parents came but didn't say one word to me about it. they say it's because they don't appreciate poetry which is fine, but at the time when my self esteem was less than negative, their silence made its mark.

these experiences were really valuable though, because even though i still am shy, if i have to step up and speak, i will. it's still hard because i always have at the back of my mind that i'll say the wrong thing, but i do it anyway. i think the fear of saying the absolute wrong thing comes from that nagging feeling a not being good enough or smart enough for some people. and that's actually relevant to my situation right now, but that's for another time.

i have silly phobias too, clowns and bees both because of traumatic experiences. though i think i'm not really afraid of clowns so much now as they just bother me. bees i might always be afraid of but i'm trying hard not to run screaming when i see a huge one. really, i am trying.


Tori Amos, Piece by Piece
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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman