Friday, April 26, 2002
yet another bleary eyed morning, the product of a insufficient and minimal sleep this whole week. and it is, but that's because i haven't given myself much time to just stop and take in what's going on. i've kept myself a busy bee so as not to have those free moment to contemplate the loss of a person i've spent the better part of over three years with - the person who i thought i could trust more than anyone and who would never hurt me. the person who now has hurt me more than possibly anyone ever has before. the person who has become someone else, someone i don't recognize and could never ever be close to again.
so i put on my rational/logical hat and act like everything is for the best and that i'm fine because i'm better off now. and maybe i am better off now, but i am also so so deeply hurt. i need to grieve this loss and i'm not sure anyone really understands that. they think i should just be angry and resigned to this - both of which i am, but i also suffered the loss of someone who was very very dear to me, who helped me through a lot of terrible experiences among many other things. and i have to mourn this loss, because if i don't take the time to do it, if i continue to go on this way without pause, the immense hurt will never diminish.
and i'm not good at being an insomniac.